I wrote a letter to another me some months back.
A letter from the mummy-me to the pre-mummy-me,
the one who had just found out she was pregnant.
I told her all the things I would have wanted to know back then,
about all the things laying heavy on my heart
and keeping me awake at night at that time.
I was fast approaching the beautiful boy's first birthday at the time
and I was in a reflective kind of mood.
Well, lately everything is focused forward,
towards to future
and all the changes that will come with bringing another beautiful baby into our family.
So I started thinking about the future-me,
one twenty years from now,
Dear 48-Year-Old Lucy,
When I think about you, I wonder what your life looks like.
I think there is a teeny-tiny part of all of us
that would like a crystal ball to see what the future holds.
But in all honesty I would rather live my life for now
with my young family
and all the trials and tribulations and triumphs that come with that.
It would be nice to know it all works out okay for us
but I guess that's our journey to take.
You have seen my beautiful boy grow into a man of 21.
I don't even what to start thinking about what he's like,
I just hope that he is as happy as an adult
as he is right now at 1-year-old.
I hope that he is kind, respectful and loving.
And that he has always tried his best.
You know my other baby too,
the one I haven't even met yet.
You know whether our little man got a brother or a sister,
you even know what we named them,
which is still a bit of a mystery to us.
You may well even know babies of mine
who aren't even so much as a twinkle in my eye yet.
Whatever my grown up family looks like,
I know without doubt that you look at them with unadulterated pride.
You more than likely wonder where time went,
how it is that your babies grew so big
and the time sort of slipped through your fingers.
Well you've spent more that twenty years feeling like that by now I guess,
and try as you might to slow things down,
from the moment they placed that beautiful boy in your arms
the time just kept flying.
You may be looking back and thinking that what I have right now was easy
or you may be thinking that it was the hardest thing you ever did.
And you would be right on both counts.
Loving your babies has always come easy,
but being a mummy isn't always a walk in the park.
You very quickly realised the limitations of your brain
and how quickly you forget things
when there are new and exciting memories to store all the time.
That has to be the most frustrating thing about being a parent;
that you can't capture and keep every single moment
as much as you might long to.
Remember the days when you had a tiny newborn
and high on adrenaline and love
you would stare at them for hours on end.
You would watch them sleep, and stir, and dream.
You missed sleep
but not as much as you missed them while you were asleep.
Remember how you always felt sort of happy to get up up for a night feed,
because you got to see them
and hold them
and it was like you were the only two people in the world.
Remember the pain you felt when they were ill or sad or hurt,
it was like someone had removed a part of you
and all you wanted was to have it back and make it better.
Remember how you would constantly check in on a sleeping child
just to make sure they were okay
and how you just couldn't sleep at night yourself
without checking they were sleeping soundly and safely.
Remember how vulnerable being a mummy made you.
I kind of think it probably still makes you vulnerable, just in different ways.
But you found it kind of scary how much they needed you,
how much they trusted you,
how much they loved you.
And how with the love you felt for them,
you kind of felt like a super hero.
Some days you felt like you could give them all they needed
and other days you felt like you were falling hopelessly short.
Remember how days passed by in a blur,
a haze of playing and giggles and exploring and cuddling.
Remember how right from the beginning you knew it would all race by too fast
so at some point in every day you would stop.
And catch your breath.
And just look at the awesomeness you made.
Remember that becoming a mummy changed you,
because you can probably hardly remember the girl who came before.
I can hardly remember her myself
and I was her only eighteen months ago.
Being a mummy has taught you to live for the now
and appreciate every moment,
because we both know that those moments are gone in a second.
Remember that you loved your family so hard
that sometimes just looking at them,
or even just thinking of them,
would bring hot tears to your eyes . . .
. . . you still love them exactly like that.
I know you do.
Becoming a mummy made you live you life for the tiniest things that could make you happy,
it made you smile more and love more and worry more.
It made you find beauty in the ordinary
and it made you exceptionally grateful for all the gifts that came your way.
I hope you know that you really did make the most of those baby days
and that you enjoyed every second of them.
I hope you remember that it wasn't always easy,
but that it wasn't always hard either.
I hope you know that although you couldn't stop time,
you made the most of it.
I hope you look back and are proud
of what you made and what you achieved.