I like to know what I'm doing and when.
I like to have plans and to be prepared.
I'm not a fan of completely unknown things
because I like to have an idea of what to expect.
Yes, I'm a bit of a control freak.
I like surprises,
but they do make me a bit nervous.
Mostly, I just like to be ahead of the game,
But in my life lately,
I am completely ignoring this whole big part of my personality
and I'm walking around with my eyes closed.
I have done nothing to prepare for Splodge's arrival.
Now I know that there is less to prepare this time around.
We are barely out of the baby days with the beautiful boy
so we have most of the required 'kit' that babies need;
like cribs and bedding and a bouncy chair.
And perhaps that is part of the problem.
In my head I know I have this stuff
so I don't need to worry about it.
We have lots of lovely neutral white baby clothes
which the little man wore and which will be more than suitable for Splodge.
They need sorting through,
some may well be a bit bobbly and past it,
and they all need to come out of storage and be washed and put away.
As yet though,
they have nowhere to be put away to.
There is a huge unit in the nursery which is half full of the little guys current wardrobe
and half full of junk.
The junk needs to go in order for there to be space for Splodge's clothes.
But we haven't been in a hurry to sort the junk
so there is nowhere to put the newborn clothes,
so there is no incentive to start sorting them.
It could be the paranoid pregnant hormones,
but I'm worrying that its part of a larger problem.
One of denial.
I am excited about having another baby,
but I don't think about and obsess about what life will be like with two
in the same way that I did when I was pregnant with Dollop.
It's sort of hard to imagine what it will really be like.
I kind of have the attitude that we'll get on with it and see what happens,
but that isn't me.
That isn't the organised person who likes to prepare and sort and know whats coming.
So it makes me wonder whether it's not so much denial
as just not really being ready for things to change.
Don't get me wrong, I don't have a perfect life,
but my life is perfect for me.
Having Splodge will make it even more perfect, I know.
It will fill my life with more joy, more excitement, more love.
But how can things be made better than perfect?
And how can be possibly deserve it?
It might just be that as I've just entered the third trimester,
that crazy nesting urge is kicking in.
Except I'm not actually nesting.
I'm feeling all kinds of worry and anxiety about the fact that I need to nest
and no desire to actually set the wheels in motion to do it.
I know things need to happen and need to change.
But I'm not ready to do it yet.
Last time I had my hospital bags packed by 34 weeks.
I had all the things ready long before that,
but at 34 weeks exactly I packed a bag for Dollop and a bag for me
and they sat expectantly in the newly decorated nursery
which was ready and waiting;
stocked with clean, neatly folded clothes,
tiny nappies and mountains of baby wipes.
At 34 weeks!!!
I'm 29 weeks now,
I'm 29 weeks now,
so that would be in five weeks from now.
And as yet this time, I've done NOTHING!
A friend has had a baby this week.
Her second baby too.
Her first born is a few months older than mine.
I wonder whether that has kickstarted the crazy in my head,
because her baby is here
which means I'm next.
And this week I've been browsing the newborn sections in shops again,
in the search of some lovely little outfits for her new little person.
And it's been getting me excited about having my own new little person,
and perhaps making me feel a little guilty about the fact I've not done anything to prepare.
So I guess what I'm saying is
that I think it's time to accept that change is coming.
And much as everyone hates change
this particular change is going to be of the good variety,
of the great variety,
of the quite-frankly-awesome variety.
Just like the changes that happened when my beautiful boy was born.
It's time to start getting ready.
It's time to get ready for baby number two.
It's time to get ready to become a family of four.