one word

I realised the other day
that of the many things I've talked about on this blog
I've never talked about the one word that changed my life.

And with only a couple of weeks left until my beautiful boy turns one,
it seemed like it might be time,
time to talk about that one word,
talk about the day our lives changed
and the day that we found out we were going to be parents.

Almost as soon as we got married we started talking about when we would have a family,
but as newlyweds we were living in a one bedroom rented flat
and it just didn't seem the right place to raise a child.
My husband was ready for children before I was,
the day before our wedding I would have sworn 
that we would wait another few years before having children.
But something about getting married changed our relationship,
we belonged together now,
and before we even boarded the plane to return from our honeymoon 
we were talking about getting our own home 
so we could have a family.

Fast forward six months from our wedding
and we were living at my parents
while we waited for our first proper home to be built.
By March 2010, eight months after our wedding
we had our own home
and the mortgage that came with it.
And we were over the moon
because now our married lives could really start.

In the April we bought two little fluffy babies into our home.
We got the first taste of being parents.
We doted on them, spoiled them, cuddled them and generally made a fuss of them.
We were so ready to be parents.

So in May 2010 we decided to start trying for a baby.
I say trying,
really it was more that we weren't not trying anymore.
Friends of ours had taken months to fall pregnant and had let it really stress them out,
we didn't want to become that couple,
we just wanted to go with the flow and see what happened.

At the end of May I was on half term holiday from school,
we had lots of family events planned
including my hubby's cousin's wedding in Wales the first weekend in June.
The half term week flew by like usual
and before I knew it I was packing my bag for a weekend away.
As a loaded up the mountains of cosmetics that I like to take away with me,
I picked up the box of tampons knowing I was due on my period at some point over the weekend.
I didn't think much of it really.

Until we were in the car
which is always when I do a lot of thinking
and I realised that my period was a day late.
Only a day late so not that big a deal
but . . . what if?

So we stopped on the way to pick up a pregnancy test,
mainly because I was planning on drinking at the wedding
and I just wanted to check.
And I really though it was just to check.
I honestly thought in my bones
that the test would be negative.

On the morning of the 5th I was nudged awake by my husband telling me to go and do the test.
Part of me didn't want to.
I was really afraid of what would happen.
I knew I'd be disappointed if it was negative, because we did want to be pregnant,
but at the same time I hadn't really mentally prepared for the possibility that I might be.

So I peed on the stick
and left it in the bathroom face down.
I was excited and scared, not really ready for whatever the test would say.
My husband asked me why I'd left the test in the bathroom
and told me to bring it into the bedroom so we could see it together.

He asked if it said anything yet.
I wouldn't look.
I told him very firmly that we needed to wait 3 minutes 
and it had only been 1.
But I peeked,
just for a second,
and there it was in black and white;

My face clearly gave the game away
because he instantly asked me what was going on.
I still couldn't allow myself any excitement
so I told him that it did say pregnant
but that we had to wait the full three minutes to be sure.
And after three minutes passed. . .
there it still was.
And the added confirmation of 2-3 weeks.

I looked my husband in the eye and whispered
we're pregnant
but I said it as half statement, half question.
It just didn't seem possible that we could have been that lucky,
to fall in the first month of trying.

It was the strangest of days.
We couldn't be excited
because we didn't want to tell anyone
and we were away from home with no personal space to just think.
Most of the family at the wedding
we hadn't seen since our own wedding 10 months before,
and they all spent the day asking us when we were going to be starting a family.
It was completely bizarre carrying round such a big, exciting and life-changing secret.
We spent the day looking at the photo we had taken of the test whenever we had a private moment.
That photo helped us to believe that it had actually happened
and we were actually expecting a baby.

It's such an overwhelming thing,
finding out that you're expecting a baby;
realising that you are going to become a family.
An overwhelmingly wonderful and scary thing.

We were giddy with excitement right from the start.
We had our moments,
when we doubted if we had what it would take to look after another tiny, fragile little human being.
But mostly we just felt very proud of ourselves.

I did two more test when we were home again.
The day we found out had just been so out of the ordinary
that it seemed afterwards like perhaps we has dreamed it.
We hadn't of course.
And almost eight months to the day after that strangest of days,
our beautiful boy came into the world
on another surreal kind of a day.
He made dreams come true
and he made us a family.

So that one word; Pregnant
changed everything.
And then a little boy changed everything even more.
And another one word took over everything; Love
although that one word will never quite be enough.


  1. This just made me cry... a lot! Beautiful x

  2. What a lovely story- I love the bit about love never quite being enough! My pregnancy story is a bit surreal too! I think it is the best secret you will ever keep! xx

  3. Beautiful post - I remember the feeling of seeing my first positive pregnancy test so well - the excitement, disbelief, relief, happiness... just so many emotions. Very special xx

  4. Really lovely. You have a real knack for telling a story wih your words.

    I'm hoping for similar emotions when/if I get another positive pregnancy test. Seeing those two lines last time was not a great day for me (if only I knew then why I know now!)

  5. What a really lovely story, you tell it very well. It's amazing how much power a little white stick can have over our lives! x

  6. This is so beautiful! It's amazing how long you can stare and be shocked by one little stick lol .. I cried with happiness and shock when I told Matt, we had been trying for about a year and a half and had kinda given up x x


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