impressions on my heart

Becoming a mother has filled my life with light,
my children are just such shining examples of perfection to me
and there is really no love in the world
like that of a mother for her children.
It fills you up with pride and wonder.

But I also find that it hurts too.
I find that the world seems scarier as a parent
and that the light which emanates from my children
only serves to highlight those darker places.
Those places around the edges of life
that we try not to focus on
but which are always there;
the fear and the anxiety.

I find myself regularly wanting to hit the pause button.
Partly because my children seem to be growing up so fast,
and that race towards being big
is one that I thought was a long distance run
while they seem intent on a sprint.
Partly because I want more time with them just as they are right now
as innocent, funny, imaginative, smiley little people.
But it is also in part because our existence is so beautiful in this moment
that the idea of the future seems beyond scary
and a possible disappointment compared to the now.

I've always been a big dreamer,
an over thinker and a bit of a worrier.
But becoming a mother has really made me feel so deeply.
I love big, with my whole heart.
And with so much beauty in my life
there just seems so much more to lose.

Ordinary everyday moments leave everlasting marks on my heart.
Like tattooed memories that will never wash away or fade with time.

My children are small, vulnerable and fragile
but at the same time so so strong.
They hold my heart completely
and have made it their own.
Without them ever asking for it
I have given them every piece of my heart and soul
and I would do anything for them.

I would do anything for those moments
when our eyes meet
and their faces break into a spontaneous smile,
of recognition and of love.
I would do anything for those moments
when I hold my beautiful boy in my arms
and he takes a deep breath
before cuddling in closer.
I would do anything for those moments
when on the cusp of sleep
my beautiful girl grips my finger tightly in her hand,
as if to say "stay just a bit longer mummy."
I would give anything for every moment
when I am a mother,
when I am with my children,
when our every days are anything but ordinary.

The idea of life without those moments absolutely paralyses me in fear.
And I'm not really sure how I will ever get away from that fear.
Will it fade? Will I learn to exist with it?
Will there come a time when I won't lie awake at night afraid?
Does there come a moment when being away from my children
doesn't feel like my heart is walking around separately from my body?
Is it normal to feel so consumed by love for my children
that the idea of anything happening to our perfect world
actually makes it hard for me to breathe?

But life rolls on.
And with it, life brings me those everyday moments.
The ones that wrap themselves around my heart
and fill me with pride and love and joy.

My children are my heartbeat.
And I stop at some point
every. single. day
and soak up what it means to be a mother to my babies.

So I will worry about enemies and dangers,
 real and imagined.
I will continue to fear,
like I'm waiting for my good luck to run out.

And I will continue to hold them close,
to breathe in their smell,
to watch them sleep,
and smile in the knowledge that they are mine.
I will spoil them completely
with all the love I have to give.
And I will fill up their hearts and mine
with everyday memories of beauty and family and love.

Because time and life are both precious.
Because they are the best things that have ever happened to me.
Because I have no choice . . .
they have written their names upon my heart
and from now on it will always be theirs.


  1. Wow!!
    This is so beautifully written. I feel exactly the same.
    I check on Charles throughout the night and he's 3 and a half. I didn't think I'd still be doing that when he was this big, I expect I'll never stop.
    The first photo is so gorgeous. You look beautiful xx

    1. Thank-you Lauren. It just doesn't feel like their vulnerability goes away as they get bigger. I just find new things to worry about. I guess that's just because they are so precious to me. X

  2. What a truly, honestly, beautiful post. I am teary eyed as I feel exactly the same about each of my boys. My life is no longer my own but I have given it willingly to these three gorgeous wonders, who are intent on trying to make my heart burst with love for them.
    Keep them close, Lucy, that's all we can do xxx

    1. Oh, it so feels like your heart could burst with love for them, doesn't it? I plan on keeping my babies close as long as I possibly can. X

  3. This is beautiful Lucy, and I feel totally the same way. In fact I wrote a post just last night about the feeling of mother love, but I think you have summed it up way better than I ever could. xx

    1. I think that motherly love is on a lot of people's minds at the moment. That and how fragile life is.
      And thank-you, I felt like this post was a bit of a rambling mess, but it was thoughts I needed to get out. I'm glad you think I found the right words. Sometimes it doesn't seem like the right ones exist to really do justice to how I feel.

  4. Wow what a beautiful honest post Lucy, I struggle everyday with the fear building up inside me. I am so much more fearful since having my babies.
    I love how you enjoy every little detail of your babies.
    I find life with Grayson in particular hard to balance, between living the mundane boring everyday when everyday is unsure how long he will be with me. You feel like everyday you want to live to the fullest but work, appointments get in the way.
    You have to focus on everyday events I feel, a kiss and a cuddle, laying in bed with them,feeling his hands entwine with mine.
    I think like me we just have to live with our fear and enjoy the everyday.
    Ok I am rambling xxx

    1. I think it is just that Kara, those everyday moments. Seeing them, acknowledging them and seeing how special they are. I know you plot a very difficult path sometimes, especially with Grayson, but like you say I think we have to live with the fear and not let it get in our way. X

  5. Someone (I can't remember who) wisely said that becoming a parent was choosing to have your heart walk outside of your body for the rest of your life. I doubt we ever stop worrying about them. Lovely post.

    1. I've heard that quote before and I agree that it sums up parenting perfectly. It's like they are a little piece of you. X

  6. In light of this weekends tragedy I think you have summed up the feelings of very mother. The all consuming fear is inescapable, but along with that fear comes the knowledge that our beautiful babies are still safe. Sometimes my heart catches in my chest at the thought of my Princess not being in my life and that just makes me more determined to love her as much as physically and emotionally possible.
    Beautiful post x

    1. I wasn't really quite sure how to put my feelings into words after hearing about Matilda. It just makes that fear we all have suddenly seem so much more real. We just have to live for each day and enjoy every second we have with our babies. x

  7. SUCH GORGEOUS WORDS! The way they break into spontaneous smiles is truly the best gift to a mama.


    1. Thank-you. Being a mama seems to be a string of those beautiful moments. X


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