Wednesday, 7 March 2012

can't quite believe it...


Less than a week after sharing the story of finding out that we were pregnant with our beautiful boy,
and there I was again.
This morning, January 23rd,
I find myself doing another pregnancy test
and seeing that crazy, amazing, life changing word;
Pregnant.


Of course you won't be reading this post a week after the first post.
Chances are that as you read this
I'm already twelve weeks on my way to being a mummy of two.

But right now I'm only a few hours into this news,
so I wanted to write my feelings down now
while they are fresh and new.

For the last few months I've been looking at pregnant women with a pang of jealousy,
I've heard the news of people expecting and wished it was me.
If anything, I think that becoming a mummy has made me broodier than I ever was before
As my wonderful little guy has become more and more of a character,
I've found myself wanting to have another baby.
Not to have the baby phase again
because as lovely as that was I much prefer the stage we are at now,
but because I can't wait to see him with a little brother or sister.
I never planned for him to be an only child, so why wait, when having them closer together will mean that they will have so much more to share.

But despite my broodiness,
my continued breastfeeding had stopped my periods from coming back.
And until they were back getting pregnant again wasn't something I was willing to entertain.
I couldn't stand the idea of having absolutely no idea what was going on in my own body.
So we waited.

And then in mid December it returned.
My little monthly friend.
We knew it could take a while for my cycle to settle down again,
so we decided to adopt the same attitude as last time
that of not not-trying anymore.

Six weeks later
with no more little monthly visitor
and yesterday my husband just suggested I do another test.
And just like last time,
ever single ounce of me expected it to be negative.
But it wasn't.

There was that word again;
Pregnant
followed by 3+ weeks.

And I'm still stunned.
I keep waiting to wake up,
because how could we possibly be this lucky?
To fall so quickly again.
And to be blessed with another little human to love and care for.

And the first face I saw after seeing the test result
was the beautiful boy.
And in that second I was simultaneously excited for him
but also filled with guilt,
that it might somehow feel like he wasn't enough.
When that couldn't be further from the truth,
because he is everything to us.
I love that little boy so much that is actually physically hurts sometimes.

I guess that's an internal battle for all parents when you decide to add the second one,
life has revolved around our son since he came into the world
and now it seems strange to think that while he'll still be the centre of our world,
he'll also have to share that spot in the not too distant future.

I'm so excited about becoming a mummy again
and getting to meet and fall in love with another new person.
I'm looking forward to having a bump again
to feeling my belly move and my baby kick.
I'm hoping I can be brave in the face of going through another labour.

But mostly I'm looking forward to giving my beautiful boy and this unborn baby a gift,
each other.
Because they will forever have one another
to go out into the world with,
to share things with.
And I can't wait to watch that.

32 comments:

  1. I thnk it's great you wrote these posts as you were going through it all, makes a really interesting story to follow. I feel the same about bringing a second baby into the home, how do you split yourself? But I'm also so excited to meet our little guy!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. It's so funny, but one of first instincts was to write about it, I think once you start blogging you get to a point where writing about things really helps you to process them. X

      Delete
  2. I love you wrote this back when you found out - it's so difficult to remember it when you backtrack - awww, it's all so lovely! x

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thanks, I also think that if I'd waited to write about it then I might not have been so honest. I've totally got my head around my feelings now, whereas at the time it was quite confusing to feel "bad" about being pregnant when I had so wanted to be. X

      Delete
  3. Aah this has almost made me cry because you've managed to sum up exactly my own thoughts about having another one. I can't at the moment even begin to imagine Emily not being the centre of my world, and I too feel that guilt. But you couldn't have said it better - they're a gift to each other, and that alone is worth everything.

    So glad you wrote this in secret, great to be able to read it now :) Very excited for you! x

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. It was something that I'd worried about but thought I'd got over when decided to start trying. Then all of a sudden a new baby was there in black and white and I just felt terrible for the effect it would have on the little guys life. Now I just love the fact that he'll be so little that neither of them will ever remember a time without the other. X

      Delete
  4. You must be so excited now that all the secret keeping is over! You're so lucky to get pregnant again so quickly. xx

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank-you. We were SO lucky. First month of trying yet again. In fact my Nan kindly told me that I'd better "watch out" in future as we're obviously very fertile......Thanks for that Nan! Hehehe. X

      Delete
  5. What a lovely idea. Writing shortly after you found out but keeping it stored until you had your scan.
    I too went through the same emotions when me & Mr.L decided on having a 2nd child. But their was nothing to worry about. We prepared Kels early on, right from the start and the moment they met for the first time is priceless!! Seeing the 2 people you created next to each other its amazing xx

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I'm already dreaming about the moment when we get to introduce them to each other. I think I'm more excited about the little guy meeting Splodge than I am about meeting him or her myself. :) x

      Delete
  6. Congratulations! Love that you wrote this when you found out but waited to share it. Really pleased for you! x

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I couldn't bring myself to tell anyone apart from a few close friends and family until after the scan, but I still wanted to be able to share all the feelings when I could. X

      Delete
  7. Awww.... congrats again mama. I am SO happy for you, but I have to admit... I'm in that jealous phase right now. I can't wait to add a 2nd little love to our lifes!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. My jealous phase was terrible. I was broody right from when he was born but by the time he hit about 9 months I was getting really broody. I was jealous of completely random strangers on the street if they had a bump. I was just so desperate to do it all over again. I feel so lucky that I get to do it again so soon. X

      Delete
  8. What a lovely idea to write posts in secret- a great way of preserving how you were feeling! xx

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. It's funny but it was almost like an instinct to write about it. I guess once you're a blogger you sort of get used to writing your feelings down about things and it helps you to process it. Plus I thought it would make fun reading, if only just for me, to look back and thing see my initial feelings. X

      Delete
  9. Iyla loves babies at the moment and I would love for her to meet a little brother or sister! But I just don't feel that broody, I love the idea of being pregnant but the labour and sleepless nights...not so much! It is all worth it though and I can't wait to Beautiful Boys reaction to Beautiful Boy / Girl junior! x

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. It's funny but the little guy has only got interested in babies in the last few weeks......which is pretty lucky!!! I totally know what you're saying about the labour and sleepless nights bit, but we figured that the longer we left it the harder it would be to go back to the sleepless nights. I'm keeping my fingers crossed for another good sleeper, although I reckon we're probably due an absolutely monkey as our first one has been such an angel! ;) x

      Delete
  10. Big Congratulations a lovely post and the video was fab! It just makes me want more (don't tell moors-daddy)!! xx

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Awww, thank-you. (And I won't tell moors-daddy! ) ;) x

      Delete
  11. Aw this is lovely news congratulations to you and your family :-) xxx

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank-you. We're absolutely over the moon. X

      Delete
  12. Congratulations my lovely, this is wonderful and exciting news! Two beautiful babies to look after, Hope you are feeling well. x

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I know........ Yay! Two babies! Can't believe my luck. I'm so incredibly excited. X

      Delete
  13. I'm so jealous and so happy for you :D
    Big congratulations to you guys!!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Haha, believe me, I know that jealous bit only too well. So thrilled that it's me again! ;)
      Thank-you so much. X

      Delete
  14. Now Lucy you have to stop writing this stuff that gives me such goosebumps - I've just had to put the heating on again! Seriously, I am thrilled for you, and the fact that you are writing all this means that one day your children will have such a beautiful record of who their Mum is and was at that time. And of how much they were loved. It is an odd phase - happiness and guilt all mixed up together, very different from the first time - but it will be fine and you are giving him a gift, even if he won't always see it that way :)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Hehehe, sorry. And thank-you. I often wonder what my babies will make of this when they grow up, hopefully they'll like it. I know I'd like something like this if my mum had written one. X

      Delete
  15. thats so wierd i've been exactually the same before you found out you were expecting again. however the husband has said that he might not want another child ever. this ripes me apart coz i would love to have a sister for our son. i have so many blogs i follow that are pregnant with number two or who has just had their second and while im happy for them im very jealous of them. however CONGRATS!!!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. It's hard not to be jealous when you want it to be you. I know that I felt so happy for my friends announcing they were expecting, but there was a bitter part of me wishing it was me. Don't worry too much, circumstances change and people change their minds about things and your husband may well change his. Thanks for commenting. X

      Delete

I absolutely love reading all your comments, so thanks for taking the time to leave them.

xx