an example


Having your first baby can be tough on your relationship.
You're both tired, consumed by love for this little person you made,
and you are both learning new jobs; mummy and daddy.
And when you have two children it's tougher still,
because divide and conquer wins the day,
so it often seems like one or other of you is always wrangling one or both children, 
and the fact that neither of you seems to get a seconds break throughout the day,
means that you all into a crumpled, exhausted heap on the sofa 
when your little people are finally in bed.

Being parents together brings you together in a way that nothing else could,
but it also absorbs your time and energies in a way that nothing else could.
But I've been thinking a lot lately about the example that we set.
We owe our children a strong and healthy relationship to look up to.
Our children will grow up perceiving our relationship, our marriage as the norm.
They may, possibly, maybe, one day look at how our example made them feel when they are picking their own partners.
And of course we want the best for our children
and that includes wanting them to pick the best people to spend their lives with.
We need to set our children a good example when it comes to love and relationships.

We have always tried to make the effort to have "technology off" nights
where we cook a quick dinner and leave the iPhones and iPads out of reach,
we talk, we sit together and we might what a film or share icecream.
We reconnect and remember why we chose this path in the first place;
why we chose each other,
why we chose marriage,
why we chose to have a family;
because we love each other.


Before we were "mummy and daddy",
we were "wifey and hubby"
and before that "girlfriend and boyfriend".
But like most things in life, 
we can get wrapped up in our present,
in our current roles,
and forget what came before.
And what came before is important,
because its what we go back to being when the children aren't around,
and because it's what brought us those children in the first place.

Date nights haven't been so easy since we have had a beautiful boy AND a beautiful girl to fill our days with,
but I really think time together is important.
It's an investment really;
in our relationship,
in our family,
and in our future.

So this week while Daddy was off work,
he and Mummy dropped their babies off with Nanny for a bit.
He became "hubby" again.
I became "wifey" again. 
We went on a lunch date;
three courses at our favourite Mexican restaurant.
We talked about life;
work, home, the children and also just life.
We didn't rush;
instead we lingered and enjoyed.
We held hands;
across the table in the restaurant and walking the pavement outside.
We invested.
We set an example.


32 comments

  1. I love this post as it is so important to try and make time as a couple. However I am victim of this myself, especially since LL came along, we haven't had any time whatsoever as a couple. And then when they are in bed we spend our time on the computers, Mr E doing freelance work, or me doing blogging. We really need to try and have more 'quality' couple time as when we do have it, it is so rare.
    It is wonderful having family weekends, and I wouldn't change them for anything, but I do think I should take more time to even once a month have a night with Mr E- quite tricky at the moment while LL is breastfeeding so much. Soon though! x

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    1. It's always tough to get the balance right. With the hubby being busy with work all week, it feels like we should all be together as much as possible when he's home. But I do think we need to make the time to just be the two of us. We want to try and find that time more often. x

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  2. So true and so important. You write so SO beautifully by the way x

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    1. Ahhh, thank-you. That's such a lovely thing to say. x

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  3. Spot on Lucy,a relationship is many things and I've never really looked on spending time together as an investment in the future.
    You should so write a book about all this x

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    1. It's that old saying of you reap what you sow. I just hope if we keep putting in the leg work we'll keep getting a lot out of our relationship, and we'll happily show our kids how to be happy in their relationships along the way.
      And I would LOVE to write a book, but I'm afraid I lack the credentials on the subject. Plus I'm pretty sure there are probably a hundred books on working at relationships already. x

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  4. You are so right Lucy,it is really important to take time out as a couple to strengthen your relationship,it is the basis of the family isnt it.

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    1. Thank-you. I think it's the foundations we built our family on, so we need to keep looking after it. x

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  5. This is SO true! Its so easy to run away with routine and the rush of every day. Took us ages to realise what that missing thing was after baby came along but we try to have some quality time together once a month now. I usually just want to sit and eat quietly somewhere :)

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    1. Our quality time is often just quiet time too. But it's about being intentional with it I guess, and just enjoying togetherness for what it is. x

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  6. Rachel - Kingston MummyMay 13, 2013 3:08 pm

    This really resonated with me. My husband and I have always tried to make an effort to have regular 'date nights' togther. It is obviously more difficult once you have children, but we've found that even making the effort to sit down and have dinner together at the table instead of in front of the TV makes such a difference. Just chatting and laughing together with out distractions helps you to reconnect. My parents have been married for over 35 years, still hold hands and are totally in love. I want the same! x

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    1. I say exactly the same thing about dinner at the table vs dinner in front of the TV. We're busy and can't sit down nicely to dinner together every night, but it's good to try when we can.
      My mum and dad are still really sweet together too. Such an inspiration. x

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  7. I love this and so beautifully written, it's so easy to forget that those little people take in every little thing. The better we treat each other the more respect they will have for people. I was only saying to my husband this week we should have technology free nights so I think we need to make an effort to have some quality time together - you have inspired me to make it happen! x

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    1. Awww, I'm glad I've inspired you! I'm just so conscious lately of how much children pick up on, and I really want to model a good relationship for them so that they know what to look for one day. x

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  8. Standing ovation for the lady with the beautiful babies please!
    We are now approaching (as a couple) the point where the last of our babies will move out and leave us on our own! It's quite a scary step we haven't been 'just a couple' for 22 years - will we remember how to do it? I hope so, and I am quite looking forward to it really!

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    1. Ahhh, thank-you. That's the thing isn't it? Your family starts as a two, and if you get it right, you go back to being a two again as time passes. x

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  9. great post. we always try to make an effort to remind ourselves that before the "mom and dad" roles there were the "us" couple role. not only important for us, but also important for our littles to see mommy and daddy as a couple. i look forward to all of our date nights, outings, etc. even if they are few and far between these days. :)

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    1. I look forward to our dates so much. Probably more that I ever did before the bubbas came along, just because they are so few and far between. x

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  10. Great post and lovely words and usual. It's so important to remember that mummy and daddy need a break too and some quality time to remind us what it used to be like before the cheeky monkeys came along! :-)

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    1. Exactly. It's funny how much nicer to each other we were generally just as a result of having had some proper grown up time together. x

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    2. We are guilty of being so into technology in the evenings. I have had a few phone/computer free nights but my husband will be transfixed on his and at the same time have some geeky programme on.
      We do swear by date nights though. It's hard because we only have one person who is able to babysit and she has her own dog boarding business so we have to work around that.
      I completely agree with you saying we need to set an example to our children. I think we do learn a lot from how our parents are together. We are aware of things our parents did wrong (affairs and BAD examples) but thankfully won't be following in their footsteps xx

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  11. Ah such a lovely post and so true. We had quite a lot of arguments in the first few weeks after Jobey's arrival, I think it was the realisation of how much more work was involved with having two kids, or Matt realising how much less time he would have to work on his car! We had lots of talks though and are now managing to work as a team which is good considering there are now two little people to keep us busy. We have also decided to limit technology time and spend some evenings just talking / watching a film as well as doing lots of things as a family and there has been a big improvement already. It is so easy to both end up staring at our laptops / phones / ipads all night but it is so worth it to put them away as I am always thinking about what kind of message we are sending to Iyla and Jobey about relationships and I want it to be a positive one but does that takes work and effort xx

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    1. It's definitely more time consuming having two, and you are more tired. And we definitely bickered more in the early days, in fact I still think we bicker more now. But being intentional about spending time together really helps. I'm just so conscious of the the example we set, and like you I want it to be a positive one. x

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  12. What a lovely post. It can be hard to find the time to spend just the 2 of you once you have kids. Every Friday and Saturday night, husband and I sit together once the kids are in bed and watch TV or a movie. Simple things but so important to keep your relationship alive.

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    1. We tend to set aside Friday and Saturday too, when I won't do blogging and he won't have work to catch up on. It's simple, but worth the effort. x

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  13. This made me cry and I really needed to read it today! I'm sending the link to my hubby now. Thanks for the reminder and I couldn't agree more with every single word. I always tell my hubs that this family works, because "we" work, so putting our relationship first sometimes is a wonderful (and necessary thing)!

    Following you now. Such a sweet little blog.

    Tanya xx

    November Grey

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    1. Aww thanks so much. I'm so glad this post "spoke to you". I think we all need little reminders to invest in our relationships once we have kids, but it's always worth it when we try. x

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  14. This really resonated with me, since having our 2nd baby I feel my hubby and I have really struggled. Now he works 7 days a week (from April until November when he will have 5 months off) and we barely talk to each other it seems. I know I spend far too much time on the laptop and together we really must make more of an effort.

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    1. It's hard work at the best of times with two children, and imagine its harder still with him working hours like that. But you don't have to doing anything fancy. Just time with technology off really helps us feel closer. And the effort is always worth it. x

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  15. I absolutely loved this post and made me think a lot about my own relationship. We definitely need to do more things as a couple. During the day we are Mummy and Daddy and at night, he is on the xbox and I am on the laptop.

    Laura x x x

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    1. I'm so glad it made you think. We are the same: parents by day, blogger and gamer by night. But taking some time out for each other has been really good for us. x

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  16. U have such a way of thinking & writing that is so incredibly inspiring. I find myself showing your posts to my friends & partner & leading similar thoughts & lives I feel I connect so much to your posts. They really niggle my mind and heart & make me think of my own family. Its such a true post & again a very inspired way to live. Thank you for sharing your wisdom. Birthday wishes :) <3

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