Since becoming a mummy
I have learnt that parenthood is all about walking a fine line;
between gushing pride and crippling guilt.
I'm guessing that all parents feel like this;
like everything their child does is fantastic,
but like everything they do or think or feel is wrong.
It's with big hesitations that I am writing this post
in fact if you are reading it at all
then it is a result of my faith in people supporting and understanding
rather than judging and thinking me selfish and a bit insane.
I'm going to blame the hormones.
I think that makes it easier . . .
. . .
I want, no need, to start by saying
how incredibly happy that I am to be pregnant.
I thank my lucky stars every day to have been given the gift of motherhood
. . . twice!
And I get really mad at people who complain about being pregnant
because it isn't a reality for every person
and it is an experience laced with issues and problems for many.
I am not one of those people.
I am lucky.
I am healthy and happy.
Pregnancy agrees with me.
I love being pregnant
and I can't wait to meet our latest little person
and get to be a family of four.
. . .
But pregnancy also brings a whole heap of worries to your door.
And if anything I would say that the second time around
there have been more worries.
There are all the same worries from last time, like;
is my pregnancy going to be plain sailing?
how will I cope with the labour?
what will I do with this tiny vulnerable infant that is being entrusted into my care?
will my baby be healthy? (oh please let it be healthy!)
But then you also get a new set of worries, like;
how will the beautiful boy cope with the changes that are about to rock his world?
how will we cope with the change from parents to one, to family of four?
how can I possibly love this new baby as much as I love the one I have already?
how will I spread my time between my two children?
and how will I deal with the guilt that there is only one of me and that they will have to share?
. . .
And here is where the guilty thoughts really take hold.
The sharing yourself guilt.
The rocking the boat guilt.
The splitting your time guilt.
The finding enough love guilt.
The have-we-bitten-off-more-than-we-can-chew guilt.
I have said more than once during this pregnancy
that I am having his baby for everyone else
so that I can have the beautiful boy all to myself.
Everybody wants a little piece of my little guy
and he is one very lucky kid who is incredibly loved.
But he is MINE!
I do not want to share him.
I have spent his entire life so far trying to get my head around the fact that I have to share him.
I want to be his everything, as he is my everything.
I don't feel that I need to be away from him for 'me' time.
He is the best thing to ever happen to me,
so why would I want to be away from him?
I know that he will grow up and leave home
but to a degree that seems so far in the future that I don't need to think about it.
But I don't want to be away from him,
for forever, if I'm honest.
And I'm pretty sure that statement alone makes me a little bit crackers.
Don't get me wrong,
we have time apart,
because I know that it's good for him
and that it will encourage him to grow up strong and independent.
But we have that time apart because I know its something that we should do,
not because it's necessarily something that I want to do.
The funniest thing is that he isn't a needy child
and he loves his own company,
which I am exceptionally proud of.
When I do leave him with other people
all I hear are glowing reports about how good he is,
how independent he is,
how undemanding and laid back he is.
And this too makes me exceptionally proud;
that when he is away from me
that is a credit to us.
But when I say that I'm having this new baby to give to everyone else,
as much as jest,
somewhere deep down a part of me means it.
And my biggest worry about becoming a mummy to two
isn't that he will have to share me,
it's that I will have to share him even more than I do already.
Now I know that when my second precious baby arrives
that I will adore it with every fibre of my being.
I know that the urge to protect it and love it and give it everything it needs will be there
and that I will probably feel the exact same desire to not share as I do with my beautiful boy.
But until that moment comes
life is all about my little man
and I intend to make the most of it.