those niggling thoughts...

Since becoming a mummy
I have learnt that parenthood is all about walking a fine line;
between gushing pride and crippling guilt.
I'm guessing that all parents feel like this;
like everything their child does is fantastic,
but like everything they do or think or feel is wrong.

It's with big hesitations that I am writing this post
in fact if you are reading it at all
then it is a result of my faith in people supporting and understanding
rather than judging and thinking me selfish and a bit insane.
I'm going to blame the hormones.
I think that makes it easier . . .

. . .

I want, no need, to start by saying 
how incredibly happy that I am to be pregnant.
I thank my lucky stars every day to have been given the gift of motherhood
. . . twice!
And I get really mad at people who complain about being pregnant
because it isn't a reality for every person
and it is an experience laced with issues and problems for many.
I am not one of those people.
I am lucky.
I am healthy and happy.
Pregnancy agrees with me.
I love being pregnant
and I can't wait to meet our latest little person
and get to be a family of four.

. . .

But pregnancy also brings a whole heap of worries to your door.
And if anything I would say that the second time around
there have been more worries.
There are all the same worries from last time, like;
is my pregnancy going to be plain sailing?
how will I cope with the labour?
what will I do with this tiny vulnerable infant that is being entrusted into my care?
will my baby be healthy? (oh please let it be healthy!)

But then you also get a new set of worries, like;
how will the beautiful boy cope with the changes that are about to rock his world?
how will we cope with the change from parents to one, to family of four?
how can I possibly love this new baby as much as I love the one I have already?
how will I spread my time between my two children?
and how will I deal with the guilt that there is only one of me and that they will have to share?

. . .

And here is where the guilty thoughts really take hold.
The sharing yourself guilt.
The rocking the boat guilt.
The splitting your time guilt.
The finding enough love guilt.
The have-we-bitten-off-more-than-we-can-chew guilt.

I have said more than once during this pregnancy
that I am having his baby for everyone else
so that I can have the beautiful boy all to myself.
Everybody wants a little piece of my little guy
and he is one very lucky kid who is incredibly loved.
But he is MINE!
I do not want to share him.

I have spent his entire life so far trying to get my head around the fact that I have to share him.
I want to be his everything, as he is my everything.
I don't feel that I need to be away from him for 'me' time.
He is the best thing to ever happen to me,
so why would I want to be away from him?

I know that he will grow up and leave home
but to a degree that seems so far in the future that I don't need to think about it.
But I don't want to be away from him,
for forever, if I'm honest.

And I'm pretty sure that statement alone makes me a little bit crackers.
Don't get me wrong,
we have time apart,
because I know that it's good for him
and that it will encourage him to grow up strong and independent.
But we have that time apart because I know its something that we should do,
not because it's necessarily something that I want to do.

The funniest thing is that he isn't a needy child
and he loves his own company,
which I am exceptionally proud of.
When I do leave him with other people
all I hear are glowing reports about how good he is,
how independent he is,
how undemanding and laid back he is.
And this too makes me exceptionally proud;
that when he is away from me
that is a credit to us.

But when I say that I'm having this new baby to give to everyone else,
as much as jest,
somewhere deep down a part of me means it.
And my biggest worry about becoming a mummy to two
isn't that he will have to share me,
it's that I will have to share him even more than I do already.

Now I know that when my second precious baby arrives
that I will adore it with every fibre of my being.
I know that the urge to protect it and love it and give it everything it needs will be there
and that I will probably feel the exact same desire to not share as I do with my beautiful boy.
But until that moment comes
life is all about my little man
and I intend to make the most of it.


  1. Beautiful, and definitely do make the most of these last few months as a family of 3. The year I had with Z to myself was one of the best of my life, and though I obviously adore all my children, its harder to enjoy the time when you have more than one child, if that makes sense?

    You look amazing by the way, being pregnant suits you.


    1. I have just loved this past year and a bit with my little man. It makes me sad to think it will change, but also to think that I'll never get to have that all consuming enjoyment of the next one's first year. I'm so sure that the pay off and gift of em having siblings makes it worth it, but changes always hard I guess. X

  2. Beautiful, beautiful post - you have me in tears. I'm recently a mummy of two (nearly 3 YO and now nearly 3 MO too). And it's as if you've read my mind, my soul. I love my baby (actual baby) daughter with all my heart and especially when I see my eldest tentatively playing on the edges of other kids's groups at play places, I know it'll be great for both of them to have each other. But at the same time, I do miss that it was just 'me and her against the world'. I'm so proud of her telling the baby "love you baby" even though, as you say, she's turned my (nearly) 3YO's world upside down. She's at nursery now and all I want to do is go and give her the biggest hug I possibly can.

    You'll be alright. You'll be better than alright - extending the family is wonderful!! And I wouldn't change it. And you won't too once the new one's there.


    1. I suppose that for everything you lose, you also gain someing else. I know what you mean about feeling like its the two of you against the world. I just hope it can be the three of us against the world when the baby arrives. X

  3. Some very wise woman today who is a mother of five laughed when I said I felt guilty that I could never split my time between the children. She said "nikki, you are an amazing mum who has sacrificed a lot for your childrenso that they can have the best possible start in life. Your children are happy, healthy and well-loved, what is there to feel guilty about?". When You put it like that, she is right and we shouldn't feel guilty. You beautiful boy will gain so much from having a sibling as will your family as a whole. Enjoy it! x

    1. It's so true. I know it's true. I know I shouldn't feel guilty. I know how lucky we are and how much we are about to gain. I think it's just the anxiety over things having to change.x

  4. I hear you and totally get it. I'm also expecting my second and though I'm happy about it as the pregnancy was planned I keep thinking how am I going to share my time? I love my son so much and hate the thought of having to divide the love I have for me. Hubby has been kind and understanding an his way explained that it really isn't about sharing or splitting my love, its just about them both :0) Eventually I'll get my head around it.

    I thoroughly enjoyed your presentation at Britmums, by the way :0) Take care of yourself.

    1. It is hard to imagine having the same relationship. I think it's because I know my little man, I know his personality and he knows me. The new baby is still an unknown entity, who I can't wait to meet, but who I think it's hard to feel as close to until they are actually here.

      And I'm glad you liked my blogger keynote. I didn't realise you were there, you should have come and said hello. X

  5. Lucy I feel guilty All the bloody time! It doesn't go away ever I don't think, you just have to deal with the situation with two children the best way you can. It is normal to feel as you do and I felt awful to B that a baby would suddenly mean that he had to share his mummy and daddy and he wouldn't understand because he was so small at thE time. But he has adapted so well. If anything I think J gets the roughest deal now he has gone past the breast feeding part because B is still very demanding of my time and wants my interaction. J does too but B is bigger and can talk and usually gets his way. But then J is very clingy so - well there you go GUILT!!
    None of that probably makes any sense but all I do know if this:
    It is hard work, but it's rewarding work and hang two is tricky but also lovely and you may feel you can't cope, but you will. You have too because you are a mummy.
    Sorry if that is all gobbley gook!

    You will all be fine and a family of four will be wonderful xx

    1. Thanks hun. I guess as the love multiplies, so does the guilt. I hadn't even really considered the guilt I might feel towards Splodge that he or she won't get the same dedicated attention that the little man has had.
      I think I'm up for the hard work two will bring, and I know that if I feel like I'm floundering then I can call on your via twitter for some been-there-done-that advice, as you have the same age gap between your two. X

  6. This is such a beautiful post! I enjoyed reading it so much! All of these things that you are feeling are the same things I worry about when trying to decide whether to have a second child. At least I know my thoughts are normal! I don't want to share my little one either :o)

    1. They've been there, these thoughts, nagging at me ever since we started talking about having another baby. Some of my first thoughts when I found out I was pregnant, we're guilt towards the little man. It would seem we're not alone.
      And I'm so glad to hear that someone else doesn't like sharing their little one too. I'm so greedy when it comes to me little monkey. X

  7. This is exactly what goes through my mind when we talk about having another. Will Z be ok, what f he isn't? What if he's upset, how will I cope? It does really worry me especially because Z loves to be cuddled by both of us and it's so special.. Just the 3 of us. I think the flip side is that beautiful boy will have a sibling to play with that he will adore to bits. He will be so caring and fascinated and you will probably burst with happiness as you have two gorgeous ones running sound each other. I think people somehow just fall into a new pattern. (I hope!!)

    1. The thing I am looking forward to the most is seeing my babies together. I just know that it will melt my heart completely to see it. I guess for all the attention that I can't give my little guy anymore, he will in turn be giving his attention to his new brother or sister. X

  8. Such a beautiful, heartfelt post. I know exactly what you mean, I feel the same about Emily. That overwhelming pride in every little thing she does and wanting to spend every waking minute with her, soaking her up. I know everyone has already told you this, and I know it's cliche, but it will be fine. Just like DBB hit your life like a whirlwind of love when he was born, so will the new baby and you will adjust once again like you did the first time, and perhaps in a year's time you'll look back and remember this post and smile at how you worried for nothing. And if that's not the case, there are people to help and friends to listen and support you. But I really don't think you'll need that :) Much love xxx

    1. The thing is, that I know I will look back at laugh. I think the big thing I'm struggling to deal with is that my relationship with my beautiful boy will change and that I don't really want it to. I'm so sure that we are right on all our reasons for having another baby, but it just doesn't make the guilt on turning his life upside down feel any easier on my heart.
      Thank-you for your comment, I know you're right and it means a lot that I'm not alone. X

  9. I think it is so natural to have all those worries. We are trying for number two and I have all those worries already and I'm not even pregnant yet. Most of all I hate the idea of Iyla not coming to me first anymore, I have spoken to some of my friends who found that their first born started going to their dad all the time when the baby had been born and the thought of that makes me so sad but I am sure it is only a temporary thing while they adjust. It is so amazing to have a sibling and they will just see that eventually but things will be different so I think you are right about just making the most of your time as a family of three. I think it's always hard to imagine life with a baby when they are just a concept, once you have met the new arrival, I bet within a minute you will have forgotten how you ever would have thought these things :) xx

    1. I think what you've said there hits the nail on the head of what it is that's bothering me, that I won't be number one with the little man, even if it's only temporary. He is a very independent and chilled out little boy, but it's me he wants when life is unsettled or confusing and I feel like not only am I causing the upset, but that I won't be as available to make it all better. I just hope I don't lose my mummy's boy. X

  10. I worry about this with a second one, I worry that I will lose my bond with my special girl. I don't mind sharing her as I love that people love her and want her, but I do worry that my shared love won't stretch enough. However looking at all the other parents of siblings, my parents included, and you can see quite easily that there is more than enough love to share. xx

    1. I kind of have it in my head at the moment, that as much as I will love them both, that I'll always have this special love for the beautiful boy. I'm sure it won't be the case once they are here, but it's quite a comforting thought at the moment. I just don't want to lose that special first-baby bond with my little man, and I guess I won't, I just won't be able to indulge it quite so much. X

  11. This is a beautiful post full of emotion and love and something that we all go through. I loved my eldest boy so much that I ached when I wasn't near him, I spent every waking minute with him and even sat in his room at night for hours watching him sleep, some nights o was too scared to sleep incase I woke up and found out that every thing perfect in my life was there at all! Then I fell pregnant withy second and I sobbed my heart out not because I didn't want him or because of the joy of finding out I was pregnant but because of the fear that how could I possibly love another child as much as I already loved my first. I expressed my feelings to my mum and she told me that she herself had the same thoughts and that love is like an elastic band that stretches to accommodate what it wraping itself around. My love for my first didn't lessen when my second came nor did it when my third was born it only grew!
    I still don't want to share any of my baby's with anyone even their daddy, in return they give me the purest love and biggest cuddles ever and are all equally mummys little boys. The
    Bond that my boys have has made it all worth while, watching them play together and giggle at each others jokes I am happy to share them with each other
    Make the most of the few months you have as a family of three and look forward to the new ventures that a family of four will bring you x

    1. Ahhh, thank-you so much. I'm feeling all teary now. I think sharing my little man with with his new brother or sister is the one kind of sharing that I won't mind at all. I can't wait to see their bond grow and I know that seeing them together will remind me that all this worry is for nothing and that having another baby is completely the right choice for us all. X

  12. beautifully written and i couldn't agree more. although i am one of "those" pregnant women that doesn't enjoy being pregnant ... and perhaps i do complain about it a little too often ... i thankful each and every day for the being able to have children. i am totally terrified about how i'm going to be a mommy of two. where the time come from? how will liam do? i think i stress more about him and how he will cope than how we as parents will. enjoy your last couple months of a family of three, i know we will be. :)

    1. It's funny how the worries change isn't it? Last time I was so worried about the relationship between my hubby and I and how that would change. This time its all about the little guy and how he and I will change. I'm definitely making the most of the flexibility of being three, and enjoying my little man as much as possible. X

  13. I had 10 years with my eldest son before the others came along. I still miss the freedom we had sometimes but I wouldn't change what we have now for a second. I was totally absorbed when Chaos arrived and loved him to bits. When I found out Squish was on his way I wondered how I could love another as much as the first two. The best way I can describe it is, you love all your friends but they are all different. You love different things about them and are irritated by their different habits. It is the same with all of my boys. They are similar in some ways and all totally different in others. I love them all infinitely and am so proud watching the way their relationship is developing. Chaos is the most loving and hugs and kisses his brothers all the time. The Big One plays with Chaos in the garden or helps him in the park. He also feeds and cuddles Squish while I deal with Chaos. Squish gives the other two the biggest smiles of all. My band of brothers.
    Just enjoy it all and try not to worry, it will all work out xx

    1. Thank-you. That actually makes perfect sense I think, that you love them all but differently. I think it's just a struggle to work out how you are going to love a new baby until you actually get to meet them and get to know them. A bit like how I didn't anticipate how having the little guy would make me love my hubby more. X

  14. Twice the children - twice the love not half!
    You'll be grand and the boy will be an awesome big brother, which will just make you more proud of him!
    Worry is natural when you're a parent - I still worry about my beautiful boy and will be he be alright and happy and loved - and he's 21 and lives 600 miles away!
    Listen to and trust your instinct - you are an amazing mummy and have amazing children! We're all secretly jealous of you really!!

    1. So you mean to say that I'll always be this worried, even when he's grown up? I felt sure it would get easier. I know that we'll just go with the flow and find a new way when the new baby arrives, but change is always hard I guess and part of me isn't ready to make changes. At least I have a few months to get used to it yet. X

    2. You just worry about different things! But you also get even more to be proud of! And you'll get those extra cute and teary moments when he acts the big brother and looks after his baby sibling - have tissues ready!!!

    3. Oh I dread to think what I'll be like seeing them together. Just a recipe for more proud moments I guess. And I'll make sure I have tissues permanently close at hand. X

  15. Lucy, what you are feeling is what every second time mum feels. Be sure of one thing - your love is a bottomless pit. You will look back and laugh in a year from now, wondering how you ever have doubted that you could feel the same intensity for Splodge as you do for your first born child. But you will. They will both give it you right back, and you will find a happy balance. Nature takes over. Keep smiling.

    1. I know. I just think it has to do with knowing them and having a bond with them. I don't think you can truly bond with them until they are here. And when I think about how I feel about the little guy and about the baby it's so dramatically different at the moment. But it's because I know him I guess, whereas the baby is as yet unknown.
      I can't wait to meet that little person and get to know them. I know that once I do it will be the same as it is with my little man. x

  16. I agree with all the comments and so remember all those worries. I have 4 children, aged between 15 and 12. The age gap is 20 months between my eldest daughter and her brother, and then 19 months between him and twin girls - so they all came in under 3 and a half years. I wanted them all but we hadn't planned that timing, & I felt terribly guilty about my 3 year old darling baby being the eldest of 4. Life was chaotic - my husband sawed the bed up and added another mattress so that we had a 7 foot wide bed for everyone to cuddle up in. I worried and cuddled and cried and laughed (and shouted sometimes and said sorry )and we muddled along, and honestly, I had all the same worries as you but a) as everyone else said, each child is uniquely lovable and interesting b) Seeing them laugh and chat & play music together is so amazing. Now my beautiful girl will be 16 in August, and I love her so much. She is secure and loving and has often said how she likes having siblings. It is my greatest hope that the love we give to them now will make it so that long after we are no longer about they will have each other's love and support and still laugh and chat together.
    And Having one to one time with each is one of my favourite things too! My 2nd, who I could never imagine loving as much as my daughter, is my kind, funny, eco warrior , cornet playing son. Then I have competitive, musical mathematician, animal loving daughter and her singing, dancing, acting, book loving twin sister. I feel so lucky and amazed to share my life with each. So don't worry - although it is a sign of what a loving Mum you are that you are worrying. Have wonderful time - your love for your beautiful boy will never end - and he will have a new sibling to love too!

    1. It's so lovely to read about the different personalities that your children have, and how much they like spending time together. I really feel that we are giving our little man a gift which will last a lifetime, as I love having a brother. I think it's just the anxiety that things have to change so quickly, but then I guess with a bigger gap the change would be harder.
      Thank-you so much for your comment. I hope that my worrying is a sign that I'm a loving mum and not just an anxious bag od nervous about having two babies to care for. :) x

  17. Gorgeous post and so true. I blogged similarly when I was expecting - I think it's natural that we go through these emotions and worries. Thanks for sharing for the Britmums Carnival x

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