Babies are born;
and in that moment
when they are completely vulnerable and helpless,
they also have unbelievable power.
They cast a spell on us which will last a lifetime.
They hold our big beating hearts in their tiny hands.
To say life changed at the moment my little boy was born,
would be an enormous understatement.
It was almost like all life before ceased to exist
and everything from that moment on
was all about this tiny person we had made.
I had always wanted to be a mummy;
to have children,
to watch them grow,
to play with them,
to help them learn
and to learn from them.
I can honestly say that it was my life's ambition to become a mum,
and so the moment when my son was born genuinely was a dream come true.
And I don’t think I really understood the enormity of suddenly getting everything I had ever wanted.
I don't think anything can quite prepare you for the all-consuming nature of becoming a parent.
You could never find the words to describe that love,
and you'd never believe it was possible if someone did tell you.
But suddenly your whole purpose for being becomes about doing the best for your child.
And in a lot of ways that is scary.
Because you can’t possibly fathom what you did to be so lucky,
and so you live on tenterhooks waiting for something bad to balance it all out.
I loved being a mummy to a newborn,
and I know I will love it again,
but you feel completely lost trying to please a person who can’t tell you what they want.
I lived in constant fear of doing something wrong.
I think parenthood is the real meaning behind the phrase "to love something so much that it hurts".
In those early days thinking about how precious my little boy was to me
would actually physically make my chest ache
and my eyes sting
and my breath catch.
It would bring spontaneous tears to my eyes.
And some days,
even after the hazy hormonal days of having a newborn are over,
it still does.
Being a mummy so far has been a combination;
of unbelievable pride,
of terrifying responsibility,
of absolute joy,
of crippling fear
and a completely overwhelming love.
And getting to do it all over again in a few months time is exciting and terrifying in equal measure.
This post was originally written as a guest post for Hollybobbs
as part of her 'From This Moment' guest series.