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Monday, 18 November 2013

my motherhood


Ever since that all important p-word
showed up on a pregnancy test 
on that crazily exciting morning in June 2010;
I have been a mother.
And ever since that moment,
motherhood has been both my biggest weakness and my greatest strength.

Because there is nothing quite like growing a tiny human being,
and later giving birth to that tiny human being,
to make you feel like you could simultaneously take on the entire world
and also cry at the tiniest thing.

There is no doubt in my mind
that the world is a scarier place for me as a mother.
Every single sad story hits home so much more,
because this scary world is the one that I have brought my children into.
Every single tragedy seems to break my heart a little more,
because every person who is lost had a mother too,
a mother who cradled them and now misses them.
Motherhood makes me feel more deeply
and it makes my heart and soul far weaker.
Two tiny little people who couldn't seem to hurt a fly
made me this weak.

But at the same time they gave me more strength than I'd have ever thought I had.
They have allowed me to shine in a role that I always dreamed off.
Of all the credits to my name,
nothing,
... nothing
makes me prouder
than the name Mummy,
the role of mother.


In one day I might easily do a hundred different things for my children.
Dress them.
Change nappies.
Feed them.
Chase them.
Wash them.
Shout at them.
Cook for them.
Tidy up after them.
Teach them.
Cuddle them.
Dry their tears.
Play with them
... but none of those things are motherhood.

Motherhood is in the smallest of moments.
Like her jazz hands when she's excited. 
Like the way he says he loves me more than the mostest.
Like the way she strokes my face to hold me near when she's sleepy.
Like the way that he proudly says "that's my mummy" when he meets people.
Because for me, motherhood isn't the doing, it's in the witnessing.

Motherhood is a series of gifts,
gifts that I get to witness.
First smiles, first steps, first words. 
First day at school, first boyfriend or girlfriend, first broken heart.
Moving out, getting married, becoming parents themselves one day.
Some of those things I get to be right there for, 
in the thick of it, holding their hands.
Others I'll watch from the sidelines 
if I'm lucky.


But it isn't just about those milestone moments,
it's the every days in between.
The second smiles, that last a little longer than the first.
The second, third and fourth steps, that turn them into a full blown walker.
The second days of school, whether they're excited to go back or the novelty has worn off.
Maybe not as exciting as the milestones
but just as important
and still the greatest gift.
Because each day and each moment is a gift and not a certainty, 
something that becoming a mother makes you oh so aware of.

Motherhood is the hand woven fabric of every day life,
some of it boring, some of it exciting,
some of it happy, some of it scary,
but all of it linking to the next part,
and all of it beautiful.
All of it woven together with love,
knitting together their childhoods
with pride and joy.

Getting to be the mother that I am
to these two beautiful children
feels like the privilege and reward 
for every single good thing I ever did in my life.
And even then I still don't quite feel worthy.


They are, and always will be enough. 
Nothing they could do would ever make me regret the privilege of motherhood
and specifically of being their mother.
They are more than enough,
and I hope I can be enough for them.
They will never have to earn my love, 
they have it unconditionally just for being them.

And it is that love that is the biggest strength and weakness motherhood has given me.
A feeling that makes me powerful and powerless at the same time.
A huge, undefinable, all-consuming, never-ending love.


 
 

20 comments:

  1. aww, what a gorgeous post...and that pic on the bottom left?! ADORABLE!!! x

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    1. Thanks lovely, they are a little pair of cuties in their onesies. x

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  2. Beautiful - you are an incredible Mother/Mummy/Mama - your children are a true credit to you as you are to them. xx

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    1. Ahhh, thanks lovely. I feel the same about you. x

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  3. Simply beautiful. It's crazy sometimes when I think what becoming a mum has done to me! It's true about feeling weak and strong. Sometimes when I feel weak I know I have to be strong for my family.

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    1. That's exactly it, the feeling changes in a second, from feeling like you could break at the enormity of it all, and then knowing that you have to be the grown up now because you are relied upon. x

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  4. Such wonderful words, and ones that will resonate with a lot of mums! I find myself getting very emotional at all the stories that I read and images that I see of children who are hurt or suffering. As a mother of twins, I feel truly blessed and humbled to have them in my life. Motherhood rocks!

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    1. Ahh, thank-you. I think that becoming a mum just seems to make everything seem a bit scarier, but I guess it's because we suddenly have so much to lose. x

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  5. This is a beautiful post Lucy, and I completely agree with everything you have said. Becoming a mum has completely changed my whole outlook. I was emotional before but now I am ridiculous. The world I am bringing our children up in scares me sometimes, but it also has made me see more beauty than ever before too. x

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    1. Thanks lovely, it's amazing how little people can be so powerful. They can make you feel like you could break with emotion, and then you suddenly see the world how they do and all is right with the world again. x

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  6. I love this post Lucy - for me it's the hardest but best job in the world. I worry about my own safety so much more now for fear i would ever leave my boys behind.
    F starts school next year and it feels as though he will be going out into the big cruel world, the though of anyone picking on him or being mean to him breaks my heart - i don't know how I'm going to cope!
    Gorgous photo's - you littlies are so cute! x

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    1. I'm the same. I think losing Kerry (Multiple Mummy) this year brought it home a bit and I always worry about something happening to me and the children growing up without me. Or similarly something happening to them and how I'd ever cope.
      It's a tough old world, I just never realised quite how much until I had children. x

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  7. Oh I love this post - and especially the photos of them together. It dawned on me today I take lots of photos of them but not many of them together!

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    1. Thanks lovely. I'm the same with photos of them together. We must try harder! ;) x

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  8. Aww such a lovely post. Best job in the world being a Mummy. Sometimes scary but mostly just amazing. x

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  9. Ah this is so lovely. I am so proud of being able to call myself a mum and you are so right about the world being a scarier place. I don't watch the news anymore because I just can't handle hearing about all the negatives but despite how much more worried I am about everything, I have gained so much more x

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    1. Thanks lovely. I don't watch the news either, I have enough scariness and worst-case-scenarios in my head without getting ideas off the news. But the things I've learned about myself through becoming a mum make it worth it. x

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  10. Gorgeous, this sums up motherhood perfectly, so many different experiences and emotions blended together. I don't think I've ever been as emotional since I became a mum, Lucas can make me laugh and cry in such a short space of time. Even when we've had a tough day I lie in bed thinking about him and even missing him while he sleeps. It's so difficult to explain how it changes you but you've written a lovely post with lovely photos to go with it xx

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    1. Ahhh thanks lovely. I know what you mean, you can count down the minutes until bedtime, and then miss them once they're asleep. Motherhood makes us all a little crazy I think! x

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I absolutely love reading all your comments, so thanks for taking the time to leave them.

xx