pregnant mummy guilt


I would definitely say that I have reached that period of being pregnant where my overriding feelings a lot of the time, aside from tiredness and generally aching, are pure guilt. I know I went through this last time around too, but the feelings seem to be a lot more amplified this time; maybe because I have more children to feel guilty for this time around, maybe because this time my children are older and seemingly more aware of my recent short comings; but either way I feel pretty rubbish as a mummy of late.

As we plod on through the third trimester I am getting increasingly bigger, more tired, less comfortable and more irritable. And I feel absolutely rotten about the fact that my children have to live with that person as their mummy. I don't think the summer holidays have helped, because as much as I'm loving not having to dash out on the school run each morning, I have also getting very little respite from them and their constant need for... something.

I adore my children. I adore being a stay-at-home-mum to them both. And I feel so so lucky that I get to be in the position where we can afford for me to be at home for them, and that I get the privilege of a front row seat in these crucial first years of their lives. I know that I always miss them terribly when I'm away from them, even for reasonably short lengths of time, because honestly, spending time with them is my favourite thing to do. But it is a job. A big job. A tough job. An important job. One that I take very seriously, and one that makes me have very high expectations of myself. Because obviously I want to always do the best for my children, like all parents do... and lucky me, I get all the time in the world to do it, so I should be totally nailing it... right? But the truth is, like any job, however much you might love it, however important it may be to you, it's really hard sometimes to keep your enthusiasm at 100% all of the time.

And right now I feel like I am being an utter failure. I feel like I had such high hopes and expectations for this summer. That we would have such fun adventures together. I was so excited for preschool to break up so that our little gang could have seven long weeks of uninterrupted time together. I pictured us snuggling in bed in the mornings while Daddy got ready for work, then filling our days with the simple happy things; little trips out to the park, lunch dates together, adventures to the seaside or to country parks, trips out for milkshake or ice creams, drearier afternoons spent at the cinema; then when Daddy got home from work we would regale him with stories of the fun we'd had, before tucking them happily into bed a little later than usual. This was supposed to be a special summer; ahead of my biggest starting primary school and my baby starting preschool. An "end of an era" kind of summer. I wanted to fill up our days with amazing memories of their last days as a pair of preschool siblings before their baby sister comes along and changes things, and before our lives become a series of school runs and too-short-holidays in between.

The reality has been somewhat different. Preschool finished and I finished work just as the third trimester kicked in, bringing with it a bad back and lack of energy to do even simple things. It also brought an almost obsessive compulsive need to clean and tidy and nest. And the result has been a grumpy tired mummy, who has spent most of the energy she does have on trying to keep the perfect home, when she should have been focusing on entertaining the perfect children who live in it. Because now, as my energy levels diminish even further I can neither keep the perfect house nor entertain the perfect children, and those ever-so-high expectations I have of myself seem completely and permanently beyond my reach.

Too many days we have sat at home and basically done nothing. I have turned down play dates with friends because the idea of chasing my two around in a big open space full of other children off of school has filled me with dread. We have wasted our time together, and as I watch the last few days of our holidays melt away, I am just so cross at myself. Because I'm actually really looking forward to preschool and school starting so I can get a little tiny break a few days a week, and so I don't have to feel so utterly awful about the empty boring days my poor kids have had this summer, because I know that someone else can do all the fun things with them instead.

I think the only thing saving me from feeling completely and utterly sorry for myself, is knowing that I felt this last time around. I can remember the weird excitement I felt post-partum when I got down on the floor to help tidy up toys again, how glad I was to play with my little man again, and the absolutely ridiculously giddy feeling I had that I could pick him up properly and cuddle him properly again. I know this is part of it, part of the fun of adding to our family. And if we're honest, guilt is a massive part of the parenthood job description anyway, whatever you do. 

But I am looking forward to those days when I feel like me again, like their proper mummy again. The one who never wants the school holidays to end. The one who throws dance parties in the kitchen. The one who crawls around on the floor making dens. The one who makes impromptu decisions to go on random adventures. Because I think my children miss her. And I miss her. And the next time I get to be her, I get to be her with three beautiful babies instead of two. 

18 comments

  1. Parenting is tough. Especially during the summer when you're doing it without preschool or nursery or classes to break up the days. And heavily pregnant with two energetic preschoolers in the heat can be hard work, I remember it well. Be gentle with yourself and let the guilt run off. If you ask the children I doubt they'd tell you the summer was boring and next year you'll have double the energy and another little one to run after and it can be another epic summer!

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    1. Oh Carie, I love that... "be gentle with yourself and let the guilt run off" because I know I shouldn't be giving myself such a hard time when I'm doing all I can do, but I just have such high expectations of myself sometimes I think. It's all good prep for life with three I guess, when I know I'm going to have to learn to let things slide a little more and just be proud of what I can do. x

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  2. I visited one of my friends over the summer who like you is heavily pregnant and she is going through the same kind of thing. She had high expectations of everything she could do with her girls over the summer only to find that they just weren't possible. She has SPD and can barely make the walk to her car let alone spend days out at the zoo, etc. It is such a tough few months, but like you said it is just for now, for a season and although it's hard to remember when you're in it, it is important not to be so hard on yourself. Gosh I found the summer tough with my two and I'm not even pregnant, haha! I'm sure you are doing a fab job! xxxxx

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    1. You are so right about it just being a season...! Thank you. I think these things always feel like forever when you are in them, but are so fleeting as you look back with hindsight. x

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  3. Oh bless you. I suffered from severe back ache and depression in my second pregnancy. I hardly did anything with my first born when I was pregnant :( I feel so guilty, even thinking about it now too!
    But don't feel guilty! We can't help it. Feelings just come over us sometimes. I am sure your children wont say they had a boring summer. Being pregnant and having kids is difficult! Don't be too hard on yourself xx

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    1. It just really sucks to feel like you are permanently saying "No" or "I can't". I hate it. I know its such a short period of time in the scheme of things, but its so hard when you are in it. x

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  4. Ah lovely, it makes me feel sad reading this. It's so hard to be heavily pregnant, I remember it well. In fact I remember saying to you that I was terrified about the fact I wouldn't be able to handle two because I was finding one such hard work and I remember you saying that almost as soon as you had BG you felt better, you don't realise just how hard it is lugging two children and a heavy bump around. And even after having a c-section I felt so much better afterwards. Just remember that your children won't think of you as a bad mummy, in fact they probably have had a lovely summer and won't have even noticed. xx

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    1. I keep trying to remind myself how quickly I felt like me again after. I remember when she was a few days old, sitting on the floor to play cars with my little man, and it being the best feeling ever. It's definitely hard work to be lugging around a bump with two other children to care for too... harder than I thought it would be given that my children are so much older this time around. But I know it will be worth it. And hopefully they'll remember those special days out we did manage and not all the rubbish ones in between. x

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  5. Oh Lucy what a heartfelt and beautifully honest post. I remember actually feeling the very same when I was almost due with MM and not having the energy or being too big to run around and play with little man myself. I think it's a normal feeling and I can imagine with two littles tots instead of just one that's double it all for you. bless you wish I could take your back pain away nightmare for you. Not long now and there is no shame in wanting school and nursery to start back up. I am hoping the same and I am not even pregnant and while I am emotional about them starting I also need a moment of them not trying to climb me like mt everest every waking moment so put on top of that your pregnancy I say you are super woman. They live an amazing adventurous life so a few days in or even weeks will never harm them. I promise. You are the very best mommy in the whole world.

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    1. Thanks Jenny. I think it's always tough when you fall a bit short of the goals you set for yourself, and I just wanted such a summer of fun for us and feel sorry with myself that we didn't manage as much as I would have liked. I know that I felt this way last time, it just feels amplified this time which is hard. x

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  6. I could have written a lot of this myself, I have been so tired and slow that I filled a lot of days with painting and sitting about watching movies with Z and last week I went through all my pics wondering what we've done. In the end I accepted that a new sibling is going to fill his life with more adventures and it's the same for you, it's going to be so so lovely for your little two who will become the big two, big brother and big sister. They will have loved all the slow days and just being with you. It's doubly hard with two and i take my hat off to you, it's definitely not easy getting through pregnancy with endless balls of energy xx

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    1. Oh thats exactly it... I do know that a new sister is going to be an awfully big adventure for them, for all of us really. But it feels like the end of an era for them as a two, and I just so wanted it to be a special time, and not quite so boring. x

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  7. I felt awful towards the end of my second pregnancy because I was so tired and I had a toddler Z who was full of beans and wanted to do lots and lots. It's hard but it's for such a short time. Soon you'll have your new baby and the kids will love having her there to help you out and be big brother and big sister to her. Just take the time to enjoy cuddling on the sofa together. x

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    1. I'm definitely hoping the baby sister will make up for the rubbish summer... I think she will. And I will just keep reminding myself that it isn't too much longer to wait now. x

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  8. I'm feeling everything you are and wrote an almost identical post on my blog about the transition from one to two and how much I'm struggling being a fun mummy and how its affecting my daughter. Your post reassured me that even a mummy like yourself who I am forever looking up to and trying to be like, actually has the same struggles too. So thankyou. Mummy guilt is a killer. I know all will be all right in the end for you. But in the mean time stay strong wonderful mummy x

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    1. Oh thank-you. I'm so glad it helped you to read this, and it's always lovely to hear that people feel the same way and understand what you're going through. I know I had all these same feelings with the one to two transition, I think it's maybe just a normal part of the process... but hard because of all the hormones. x

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  9. Wow, I remember these feelings, I wrote something similar back when I was expecting P. It's such a hard feeling as you need energy and equally rest especially in your third trimester, yet mum guilt always manages to take over, I am a sucker for mum guilt and my OH is always saying don't be so hard on yourself. Having three definitely changes things but in a lovely way, especially as they blossom with one another, having all these feelings are only natural and probably intensified by the horrid pregnancy hormones. Can't wait to see your bundle :-) xx

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    1. I would honestly forfeit the rest for some energy and the ability to chase around with the kids. I think the guilt is far worse than the pregnancy tiredness any day!!! My husband is the same and keeps saying I just need to lower my standards a bit for the last few weeks and do what I can.... but then I don't think I'll ever be that kind of person when it comes to my kiddos. x

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