{flump} the first trimester

Can I just start by saying that this time around things seem so different? I kind of thought that having had two babies already, that I had this whole pregnancy thing down, that I knew exactly how I was when I'm carrying a baby, that I had it all figured out. Well let me just say that all ready this pregnancy is proving to be a big lesson for me in relinquishing control, in letting go, in listening to my body, and as corny as it sounds, in 'finding myself' as a mother all over again.

I'm not going to sugar the pill, although I have seriously considered it, I haven't found the last couple of months the easiest, for a variety of reasons. Not least of which has been my own mind and my confused thoughts about being pregnant with a much-wanted, but surprisingly timed baby. But I'll get on to that in a bit.

Having had the pleasure of already growing a baby boy and a baby girl in this belly of mine, I would have thought I'd "seen it all" with respects to my body and how I "do pregnancy". Turns out that to assume anything when it comes to motherhood is a big mistake, and this pregnancy has been so different again from my previous two that it's made my head spin. With Dollop and Splodge (his and her bumps respectively) I had slightly different quirky little symptoms each time, but on the most part pretty much breezed through all three trimesters both times. This time it feels like all the symptoms that I should have been having in my previous ones have all come to play at once.

I have had nausea... oh the nausea. I had about two weeks of mild 10.30-in-the-morning isolated nausea with the little miss, but none otherwise. This time it has been most of the day; awful when I first wake up, awful again mid morning, before striking again mid afternoon until dinner time. And plenty of days it's just basically been there the whole time and peeking at those specific times of day. Feeding it helps... sometimes, but not always. Sleeping it off helps... sometimes, but not always. I have developed an obsession with Ready Salted French Fries which are just about the only thing really guaranteed to kick it, albeit sometimes only for as long as it takes to chew and swallow them.

I have actually had morning sickness, which is a whole new first trimester pregnancy low for me. The first time was the morning I went to Wembley to do the Comic Relief Danceathon, leaving Rich asking me if I was actually insane to be considering dancing for six hours when I was growing a little human. Him spraying on his aftershave was without doubt the trigger on that occasion, so the poor guy has been apply his aftershave in the car the last couple of months when he wants to wear it. And the other times I've been sick have been smell triggered too; a pheromone plug in we have for our cats did it, as did a particularly weird 'fridge smell' one afternoon. So I think it's fair to say that that well known pregnancy symptom of bloodhound senses is alive and well (I had this particularly strongly in my first pregnancy, but not so much in the second.)

I think most women complain of first trimester tiredness, and that one has been here too but thankfully not as badly as I did the second time around when I felt permanently shattered. I'm managing that one with a lot of help from a hubby who jumps out of bed with the kids practically every morning, allowing me the luxury of a little more time between the sheets and the chance to sleep off the nausea I wake up with. Although strangely enough, while I am hitting the sack a lot earlier in the evenings, I actually still feel pretty full of energy in the days. I have the pretty active part time job of 'dance teacher' to keep up with this time around, as well as the two kiddies to chase after. And as I fell pregnant in the midst of a big health kick where I was exercising plenty (swimming, dancing and yoga) I've been trying to keep that up as much as I can, and it definitely seems to be ringing true that exercising is actually keeping my energy levels up. It's also a really good nausea distraction....!

So yeah, some new to me pregnancy symptoms, but nothing very 'new' in the realms of being pregnant generally. On top of those big ones, I've had some crazy breaking out skin (which I enjoyed with my second pregnancy too) but which has thankfully settled down now and I am getting that lovely 'glow' that all pregnant women aspire to have. I have delightfully ridged toenails (which is a weird symptom I enjoyed first time around, and didn't miss the second time around... how am I supposed to face a summer of open toed shoes with such weird looking feet?) But by far the newest of pregnancy symptoms for me has been the ones going on inside my head and my heart.

This pregnancy has not been easy for me on an emotional level... at all! And having been so nervously full of excitement the two previous times, it has been a real wake up call for me that for most of this pregnancy so far the overriding emotion for me has been denial. It's hard for me to confess to, knowing that one day the little Flump I'm growing in my tummy may one day read this, but at eleven weeks I finally began to feel like the cloud was lifting and the excitement is creeping in, and I feel like, now I'm safely "through to the other side" that I owe it to myself, and to Flump too, to be honest about it.

Those closest to me know how much I've struggled to find excitement, which for someone who usually gets excited about the idea of a new day most mornings, just didn't feel 'right'. From when I found out at about five weeks for the following six weeks I just felt, well, nothing. I didn't want to talk about it, I didn't feel excited, I didn't feel nervous, I just didn't really feel anything. I didn't tell my parents until I was way past 8 weeks (and they knew within days of me knowing on previous times). I didn't call the doctor in order to be transferred to maternity services until 11 weeks. I went about business as usual, shooting down basically any comments from Rich about a baby and saying we'd talk about it another time. At the darkest point I really did think that maybe I needed to speak to someone about my lack of feelings. I tend to be someone who 'feels' pretty big, I'm an emotional kind of person, and this feeling of emptiness just felt really strange for me.

Looking at it now, I think that maybe it was a bit of coping mechanism. I'm not the best person when it comes to surprises... and this is one of hell of a big life changing surprise. When I finally went for my booking in appointment with the midwife yesterday (at 12+2) I did talk to her about it. One of her many questions to tick off was whether this pregnancy was planned; to which I replied "Yes and No. It is a much wanted third baby, but not at the time we were expecting." She assured me that it's natural to feel a little confused about such a big surprise, and that sometimes, the fact that we so often like to keep pregnancies secret in the first trimester, means that we can't really allow them to sink in properly.

But now I am really looking forward to seeing our little Flump at my scan. I am looking forward to really enjoying and embracing this last pregnancy, to savouring every second of how amazing it is to grow a little person inside your body. And I am looking forward to finally being able to tell people, especially a pair of little people who are about to become big brother and sister to the new addition. And I think that making the news public may just be the final nail in the coffin of the dark little nagging thoughts that have been creeping around in my mind. Because I am so ready to get excited now, about becoming a family of five and getting to have a new baby all over again.


  1. As you know, Bill was a surprise and I can identify with your initial feelings, especially as a planner, which I suspect we both are! I think it's just that adjustment and shock and dealing with your expectations changing and transforming ahead of your heart. It took me a few weeks and then, by the time I was counting down to my first scan, I felt so excited that I feared I might bubble over with it all. I'm so happy for you all. I am jealous, but I'm focused on a plan for next time - only because I need the comfort of knowing what to expect next time. As I struggled so much with the way it panned out for us. You keep making that gorgeous Flump lady. So proud and chuffed for you. xx

  2. We have had two little surprises although somehow finding out I was pregnant with Finn was much harder than the first time. I wanted a third baby but he wasn't planned and it all seemed so much (add onto that the crippling tiredness). I completely relate to the emotional side being the hardest, and I think I was about 13 weeks when I finally got my head around it somewhat and started to feel excited. I hope you are feeling more positive now, three is manic and exhausting but absolutely amazing too

  3. Lucy, I get this... I GET this. Each of my pregnancies have been totally different. In terms of sickness, in terms of excitement, in terms of trying to get my head around it. I think there is something about that 12 weeks scan which chases away all those final doubts... And one day, you'll look back at this post and wonder how you could ever have thought that the timing of little Flump was not absolutely perfect. And wonder how on earth you DIDN'T plan it this way! Heidi was our surprise... Ava was only ten months old when I found out I was expecting her and it was a huge shock. I would never in a million years have planned an eighteen month age gap... But it had honestly been the best thing, and I would so it all again in a heartbeat. So excited for you and your beautiful little family, and excited to follow this journey with you!x

  4. This makes so much sense to me, Grayson was not really planned, well he had been for 3 years but we were told we could not have children, everyone assumed I would be over the moon, but I had emotionally told myself we would never have kids. Addison was much the same, I felt so much guilt for it for a long time but as with you your heart soon starts to change.
    By the time I had Deacon although very much planned after my problems I just got on with everyday life forgetting he was there, you kind of have to with 2 little ones to deal with each day. I think Flump will hugely appreciate this post, I think you have been honest and when they come to have a child they may feel the same and reading this will remind them it is ok.

    I am so excited for you, being a Mummy to 3 is so very different, there is no longer one parent for each child and it brings everyone closer xxx

  5. Ps as someone who has terrible sickness every pregnancy dreadfully you get used to it and Ash was never allowed to wear aftershave past week 6 on any baby xx

  6. Oh so much of this I recognise. Not so much the surprise element - the girls were both longed for and Pip was only a surprise in that having had to wait for the girls it seemed a miracle that he was on his way already. But when I was expecting Elma my sister was expecting her first baby due the day before us. And when she lost that baby my heart broke for her because I was supposed to have taken the hit as the big sister and she should have been fine and it took me a while to get to the really super excited stage because I felt guilty. Happily my nephew arrived four months after Elma so we did in the end get to do a bit of excitement together but I think there are any number of good reasons why unadulterated excitement isn't the only or the primary emotion. Perhaps that's why we get nine months to grow our babies so we can spend a bit of time getting our heads around it! I hope the morning sickness eases up soon, I had it with all three and goodness me it was not fun!

  7. Oh Lucy, bless you hunny it couldn't have been easy to hold it inside and try to put it at the back of your own mind when I bet it was on your mind 24/7 I am so happy that you are on the other side of it, excited for FLUMP. I love that flump came true. Talking about baby at CP I was so excited you named baby FLUMP. It's lovely and I am so excited for you too. I bet I would feel the same with a third. I think because we have one of each and planned and have been through them both different but one after another I think the third would throw me off a bit too. I think I would be more of denial and emotions especially if it came as a surprise. I think Flump is a girl just saying it because of the sickness, nausea and emotions. Not that you haven't had a girl already to possibly experience this its just a gut feeling. lol I hope you get to enjoy every waking moment of this pregnancy if this is to be your last especially. I wish I would have soaked a little more of it up with MM if I had known she was my last. I will just live vicariously through you and your amazing new journey as five. Big hugs to you darling.

  8. I totally felt nothing when I was pregnant with Sienna, she was a big, big, surprise as I had been told I only had 3% chance of conceiving naturally due to PCOS. All I had ever wanted was to one day get pregnant and have my own baby but here I was with that and I felt nothing, I wasn't excited. I think it is just the shock and getting your head around it! When we got pregnant with our second and it was planned, I felt completely different! I was so excited! I wouldn't worry about it, it's totally normal lowly, all those emotions :) As for the nausea/sickness.. that is not fun! Have you tried travel sickness bands? They helped me a little bit :)

  9. Awww, I think it's totally normal to feel that way. As for the nausea I can relate. I've had bad sickness and nausea both times. You give me hope that a third pregnancy can be different haha. Hoping it's passes as each week ends xxx

  10. I have found it hard to believe I am pregnant and definitely difficult to get excited about it. After my miscarriage at the end of last year I don't think I'll be settled until I'm holding the baby in my arms. Glad you are feeling better now hon! xxxx

  11. It is so strange how different pregnancies spark off different symptoms! Some you expect and some new ones you're not! We are also planning a third baby so I very much look forward to staying up to date with your third pregnancy! Congratulations again! :) x


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